If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain. – Maya Angelou.
Of calories, strength and joy
It’s not just about the calories I burn and the strength I build. I keep running within the metropolis parks because in every run, I keep discovering new things about the city. I continue knowing myself. It makes me appreciate life. It gives me joy in understanding myself and my surroundings. After all, happy people are those who know how to appreciate a simple view no matter what or where it is. It just requires one to know himself, looking at the brighter side of every thing, every time.
But that was yesterday. It has been 5 months since I last jogged. Not out of my not wanting or doing it because I was limited to not doing it, medically. I had a spine surgery early in February. It really was not my choice but a decision me and my surgeon had to jointly decide on because of the need. And the rest is history.
Today, I am feeling all the pain in my legs. And back. Again.
Tomorrow? It has become uncertain since the day I was promised by the surgeon to become better and be able to go back to my usual activities in a period of two months. I was told to be able to go back to swimming, running and surfing. To date, I still am not able to do any of these.
Wherefore now, will the calories, strength and joy take their abode?
Will you walk with me?
Therefore I Am
| Therefore I Am | a re-post from Mar 10, 2008 7:30 PM |
I was on a call with a client. Doing the usual stuff.
Save the customer.
It was an ordinary day. Nothing really special. Until I was asked by Mr. Brown if I am born again. Born again?
Dead air.
Mr. Brown broke the silence. Are you a Born Again Christian?
Dead air.
My training in quick responding to questions and my experience in customer service for over 4 years did not help me in any way. I was caught off guard. Who would care anyway if I am a Born Again Christian or not if we are only to talk about account specific concerns? I deal with clients over the phone and that I am expected to display the values of the company and not necessarily of a Born Again Christian or any other religious denomination.
Maybe I cared less, leaving me unprepared for the question.
I simply uttered, “I am not a Born Again Christian, Mr. Brown but I am a Christian.”
Complete silence.
Then he came back with a delighted voice.
“Gerry, it’s good to know that you’re a Christian,” he said. Maybe he’s caught off guard as well with my answer because of the long break for him to say he’s pleased with my being a Christian.
However delighted, he’s not happy that I am not generous enough to give in to what he wanted. He wanted me to waive fees accrued to his account that were actually valid no matter how we’d look at it. The company I work for is not a charitable institution. At least that’s what I was taught to believe in and display in everything that I do at work. However, I sympathize with him. I’m still a human being. The sameness of feeling that I have for him is evident on the call. I would remove the fee for him if he would keep the account. However, he does not want to do business with the company further.
He did not get what he wanted. I did not get what I wanted either.
I thought the conversation was over. He wanted to talk more about our being followers of Christ. Although I do not go to the church often on Sundays, I make it a point to pray and talk to God every day. I always thank Him for the blessings I receive. I thank Him for the people I meet and that one day I get to meet the one who’s meant for me. I ask for forgiveness as I forgive those who did me wrong. I pray that He’d guide me in all the things that I do, think and say.
Mr. Brown thanked me for talking to him the way an account manager should in a situation where someone is torn between working for a company and giving in to a customer. I was told I was kind enough to at least offer him something that is somewhat agreeable to both parties.
He had to end the call as someone’s calling him on his cellphone.
As he was bidding goodbye, tears suddenly fell from my eyes. I was reminded of a recent situation where I had to suffer my happiness. Memories rushed in.
I was with someone for 5 months. Although for a short period of time, we shared a lot of things and that it’s as if we were together for a very long time.
I was made to believe that this person is the answer to my prayers.
Everything went well. No sign of something’s wrong. This person would always utter, “Don’t ever leave me and don’t leave me for someone”. I would say the same words back.
Months after, this person came up to me and said, “we’re over.”
I begged not to leave me. I did not succeed. I was even told, “have yourself a victorious defeat”.
And the whole gamut. I was not treated fairly. My questions were not even answered. This person caused me a lot of stress and unhappiness.
I was trained at work to retain customers and I constantly succeed. I tried to keep this person but I did not succeed. Surely, keeping customers and someone is totally different. But you try and learn to compromise, meet half way at least. But never compromise to someone who is not willing to do the same.
Surely, you can’t have it all, as the old adage would go.
As soon as I finished the conversation with Mr. Brown, I logged out. I took a breather.
Finally, I had the push — innocent push to accept my loss with this person and move on. If someone who I do not know care about my being a Christian, why would I not care about my well-being? Being unhappy is like putting oneself in a trap. Just like Mr. Brown said, Jesus rose on the 3rd day. As Christian as we are, we follow Christ.
So I told myself and took a deep breath, I will be back on track. I will be happy again. Leave the past behind and be born again.
Ordeal as it was, there’s one more thing that I have learned. Do not blame anyone for your unhappiness. Happiness is just a state of mind. Choose to be happy. Stay happy. After all, we can’t be born again. But, we may be born again. Save yourself, not others.
Do not blame anyone for your unhappiness. Happiness is just a state of mind. Choose to be happy. Stay happy. After all, we can’t be born again. But, we may be born again. Save yourself, not others.
Choosing to heal
Hurried.
Harassed.
I was told of a herniated disc by the doctor. Laminectomy performed. And the whole gamut.
The lawyer said, I have a good fight and will surely win the case. He also uttered that I must be ready to endure a battle that is ugly. I paused, thought and looked for what is good, in the middle of all the bad things that had happened in the recent past.
That’s when I thought of my mom. She’s always understanding. Forgiving. Patient. Kind. The qualities I tend to forget of having and to showing when confronted up front by issues, people and events that are nonetheless out of my control.
The moment I talked to her, I was told to focus on what is good, staying away from the troubles caused by the doctor. To be well as fast as I could is the most important, mom said.
Days. Weeks. Months. I am getting better. Now only with the scar to remind me of how gory doctors can get and the danger of being unable to perform my daily activities, I have to keep up 
with my health no matter what. And the best medicine I’ve got from mom? Pieces of advice that equate to peace of mind. I was made to understand, it was the first step to healing.
Forgive.
Forget.
Keep moving. Nothing in between.
Exactly a year ago today at 6:00PM, I went under the knife. Something I did not want, laminectomy due to herniated disc at L4, L5. I was made to believe that it’s something I needed. Only after the surgery that I knew that my decision to be in unison with my surgeon’s call to finally open my back is to become the most important in my first 31 years and soon after most regretful but hopefully not straight through to the next 31 years. When I made the decision, never did I know that any surgery relating to the spine is so critical that it may change your life, be it during the surgery itself or soon after the operation is done. I must say, I am strong to have survived the 8-hour procedure which should have only been for 4 hours maximum according to the surgeon.
And the whole gamut.
Difficult as it is, I choose not to scribe my way to recovery. I’ve been through a lot and I chose not to go through them again. And I am for certain, the whole experience is by far the greatest lesson. That if I were to come across people who would be faced with the same situation to consider surgery as a means to get well, I would ask them to work with a less aggressive medical practitioner first. Someone who is conservative and would put them on medication and physical therapy first. Overtime, if nothing progresses, then maybe take the route to surgery. Again, not as the first option.
I’m no expert in human anatomy or medicine in general but since the 10th of February in 2012, I have since realized that your body has limits. That if you go beyond the limits, you will have to pay back.
Listen to what your body is saying. Trust even what your body is not saying. There’s only you and your body, nothing comes in between.
2012 in review
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 10,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 17 years to get that many views.
Give up tomorrow
It’s been 10 months since I last had laminectomy done in my back. It’s been that long since I last had a jog at the park.
It’s been 4 months since I last posted a blog. It’s been that long since I have not shared my thoughts and feelings.
Now I’m back again. Perhaps to experience the saddest Christmas since I’ve come to realize what it’s worth.
Earlier today, my doctor dropped the bomb. His diagnosis was right.
Dextroscoliosis of the upper thoracic vertebrae. Give up tomorrow.
No matter how joyous I get each time I do things I love, I just need to give up on some for a greater cause.
